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Ik weet niet of je ook engels mag posten, maarja, ik hoor het wel als t niet mag

Artemis Fowl x OC Jade Cortez

Chapter 1: The Library - Artemis' point of view

As I entered the library, I immediately wondered why normal students would come here just to chat. It seems they have forgotten the main purpose of a school library. To read. At st. Bartleby’s, the library is huge. I found many interesting books in here, and even some books I wrote myself using a pseudonym. I walked to the science section, where strangely enough usually not so many students went. Thinking about school, and how I had to write a new letter to the principal, signed with Angeline Fowl, I walked into a path between the shelves. On this path, was one more person, his face hidden underneath a baseball-cap. Probably someone who doesn’t want to be found in the library, I thought. He was browsing through the pages of a science book for the gifted. Ah, maybe a co-genius! I looked away, en searched further for the book I was looking for. The other day, I found a maths mystery, and I wasn’t able to solve it, and THAT is quite unusual. So I was searching for a math book for the gifted, so I could solve the mystery. I could of course ask Foaly, the centaur, but I was too proud to do that. I walked towards the baseball-cap person.
‘Excuse me, but do you happen to know where I could find Maths for the Gifted?’ I asked formally.
The baseball-cap looked up. He looked afraid and nervous.
‘I-I.. I don’t know, s-sorry..’ The person stumbled.
‘Oh okay, thanks anyway.’ I continued my search, looking in the shelves for that book. Time passed, as I searched for the book, and meanwhile browsed in some others.
Then I saw the book. Almost smiling I walked a couple of steps towards the shelve, and reached. Suddenly, another hand grabbed it. I looked over my shoulder, and saw the baseball-cap trying to pull the book I needed out of my hands.
‘Excuse me, but I saw it first!’ I said kind of angry. What did this person think? Trying to steal from Artemis Fowl the Second?!
The guy pulled and I let hold of the book, hoping he would fall back. And he did. Or should I say, SHE did..
The baseball-cap flew off, and long, wavy brown hair appeared from beyond it. The girl looked at me, fear in her bright green eyes.
‘Please don’t tell anyone!’ she begged. She looked afraid, but smart and beautiful, sitting on the ground. She stood up.
‘It’s forbidden for girls at st. Bartleby’s.’ I said. Why was this girl here?
‘I know.. But there are many interesting books in here that aren’t in the public library.’ She mumbled.
The girl stood up, and she reached me her hand.
‘I’m Jade Cortez. Please don’t nark me..’
I watched the girl turning from afraid to self-confident in less then two seconds.
‘Artemis Fowl the Second, pleased to meet you.’ I shook her hand.
Jade pulled her hair back in the baseball-cap.
‘Nice to meet you too, Artemis Fowl.’ She winked, and the next second she ran off.
Not fully realising what just had happened, I stared at the book I “won”.
Who was this Jade Cortez?

Chapter 1: The Library - Jade's point of view

The stupid, stupid computer wouldn't work. Annoying machine, I thought. Now I had to solve the stupid program mistake to be able to use my searching devise again. I sighed, and stared out of the car window.
My father insisted having me a personal driver, like if I wasn't able to drive. Finally, the car stopped
at the front entrance of st. Bartleby's Library. I put my baseball cap on, hiding my wavy brown hair,
and got out of the car. Quickly, I walked through the doors, and went directly to the math section. I grabbed a book from
a shelf, and pretended I was reading it, just to hide my face. Suddenly, a boy entered the section.
I glanced quickly at him, while browsing the math book. He was slender, pale but his eyes revealed his intelligence.
This young man was a genius. I slightly frowned. And he was quite handsome too, in a vampire-like way.
‘Excuse me, but do you happen to know where I could find “Maths for the Gifted”?’ I heard.
I looked up, a little in panic, wondering what to say. So I kept it simple.
‘I-I.. I don’t know, s-sorry..’ I stumbled. I hoped my voice had sound low enough..
‘Oh okay, thanks anyway.’ He moved on.
The adrenalin slowly left my body. I shouldn't be so panicky. As I calmed down, I searched for my book. There it was! Oh no! The
vampire-kid wanted it too! Quickly I stepped towards the book, and grabbed it. The same did the boy.
Hell no, I want this!
‘Excuse me, but I saw it first!’ He said angry. Like I care. I pulled even harder.
Suddenly the kid let hold of the book. And i fell. Shit. My baseball cap flew off, and I heard the
guy gasping when my hair appeared. Now I'm screwed, I thought.
'Please don't tell anyone!'I said. If he would nark me, I'd have a BIG problem.
I got on my feet again and looked the teenager in his cold blue eyes.
'It's forbidden for girls at st. Bartleby's' he said. No shit, Sherlock.
‘I know.. But there are many interesting books in here that aren’t in the public library.’
I wondered if he would nark me.. And I concluded that he wouldn't.
‘I’m Jade Cortez. Please don’t nark me..’ I reached him my hand.
A glimpse of surprise on his face.
'Artemis Fowl the Second, pleased to meet you.’ He shook my hand.
I smiled, and pulled my hair back in the baseball cap.
'Nice to meet you too, Artemis Fowl.' I winked, and ran away quickly.
Finally seated in the car, I wondered about the boy. He had my book.
One thing was sure. I wasn't finished with this Artemis Fowl.

Chapter 2: Home - Jade's point of view (part 1)

Who did this Artemis Fowl think he was? The idiot stole the answer to my problem! I grinned devilish. This wasn’t the end. I COULD of course search for another exemplar, but this Artemis intrigued me. He was extremely formal for a guy of our age. He looked at me like he has figured out the next three moves in a game of checkers and knows how to beat you. Quite annoying. Even so, I was interested in this guy.
I sat in the back of the limo that picked me up from st. Bartleby’s. I opened my notebook and searched for information about that Fowl guy. Half an hour later, I found what I was looking for. Artemis Fowl is a 16-year old criminal mastermind. And he wasn’t the only one, the complete family had a history in crime.
If this Fowl guy was really a genius, why would he need this book? What would he use it for?
The limo stopped and my chauffeur opened my door. I got out and walked to the front door of our mansion. I pushed the intercom-button. ‘Fùqīn, it’s me.’ I said when a male voice asked who was there. A familiar voice. My dad. ‘Nǐ hǎo sweetheart, how was the library?’ my dad asked speaking Chinese. ‘It was okay, Fùqīn.’ I answered. I walked into the mansion. It wasn’t okay. At all. Someone would pay for this. That Fowl-guy.

With a nickname like mine, I could of course not refuse to comment on this one. Also, it goes without saying, that when you write a story in English, you are going to get English commentary from me.
First, some linguistic matters.

Tesserell schreef: It seems they have forgotten the main reason of a school library. To read. At st. Bartleby’s, the library is huge. I found many interesting books in here, and there are even some books I wrote myself, beyond a pseudonym. I walked to the science section, where strangely enough normally not so many students went. Thinking about school, and how I had to write a new letter to the principal, addressed with Angeline Fowl, I walked into a path between two shelves.

I think you could best replace the word 'reason' with the word 'purpose'. The reason why a library is built, the purpose of a library.
'Beyond' is another word for 'further than', mostly figuratively speaking. For example: "This goes beyond my imagination." So, in this case, when you want to translate the Dutch phrase "onder een schuilnaam/pseudoniem", more appropriate would be: "under a pseudonym". (I am not entirely sure about that, I must confess, but I'm sure it's not 'beyond'.)
What exactly do you mean with 'adressed with'? Do you mean Artemis is going to pretend to be this Angeline Fowl, and sign the letter with her name? Or do you mean he's going to write a letter to Angeline Fowl? In the last case, I believe it's 'adressed to'.

Tesserell schreef: And he was quite handsome too, in a vampire-kinda way.

'A vampire-kinda way' isn't very neat. You could for example also say: in a vampire-like way, or if you must, in a vampire-kind of way. By the way, what do you mean by that? I do not think vampires handsome at all, you see.

Tesserell schreef: No shit, Sherlock.

Nothing, really. I just enjoyed that.

Tesserell schreef:How more I got to know about him, how more often I wondered why he needed the book.

This is a typical example of what some people call "Dinglish". That's a mixture of Dutch and English. Whereas in Dutch it is "hoe meer, hoe beter", in English it is "the more, the better".

Overall I could point out that you are trying too desperately to make it look like you speak (American?) English like you were born there, while one can see that you do not. That might be a bit harsh to say, so here are the good points:

It's a good story and it's a good start. It's interesting, because you leave a lot of questions. A faun? Chinese? Etc. You should defenitely keep that up!

I do think the fight about the book was a bit exaggerated.

I hope this commentary helps you a bit, good luck and I will keep an eye on the progress.

I agree with above comments. Furthermore, what annoyed me a little is that you completely cover the same scene from both viewpoints. Maybe you could make things more interesting by interspersing Artemis' POV with the girl's thoughts now and then?

If I were you, I'd have written "using a pseudonym" instead of "beyond ...", and "signed with Angelina" instead of "addressed with".

Also "I walked into a path between two shelves": a path is either between 2 shelves (haven't seen many between 3 of them ) or between the rows of shelves in a library. "I walked between the shelves" would have done.

"Normally" should in most cases be "usually" coming from a native Dutch speaker.

Typo: "antother" -> "another".

"but Artemis intrigued me" sounds as if she knows him: "but this Artemis intrigued me".

"like he had figured out the 3 next moves...", I don't know why but it sounds better.

As I am not a writer I can write numbers as such, but in stories you should try and spell them out: "the next three moves".

Checkers doesn't need a capital, it's a game, not a name.

"Though, I was interested in this guy" sounds as if the sentence is not complete.
Maybe "Even so, I was interested"?

"the complete Fowl family" without hyphen; in English, words are in general written separately instead of joined. Or: "the complete family" (it's clear what family you are talking about).

"I mean, " is more spoken English. I would just leave it out if it's not a dialogue.

"I got out" (of the car).

'I pushed the button of the intercom"

"It just didn't want or something" doesn't sound ok to me. Maybe more of a rhetorical question: "Did it just not want to?" Especially the "or something" is disturbing.

"like if I wasn't able to drive".

Typo: "Entrance"

Typo: "I walked past the doors". Edit: or now that I'm reading my own text, "I walked through the doors", she's entering the house, isn't she?

Typo: "Directly". I would replace it by "straight to" or "immediately".

"And pretended I was reading it".

"Where I could find 'Maths for the Gifted'" (quotes)

"I pulled even harder". (I believe it's "pulling at something", but as it is clear what is concerned, I would just drop the "it".

"Let go of the book"

Typo: "I fell"

Typo: "I heard"

I would leave out "from beyond it", I'm sure it's not ok but I'm not too sure of what it should be here. "From beneath it"?

Typo: "I thought"

"Please don't ...!" I said -> I begged? When using an exclamation mark, I wouldn't follow it with "I said".

"I got on my feet again"? "I stood up" means something else.

Typo: "a glimps"

"would come here just to chat", without comma.

"And even some of the books I wrote myself"? It's not wrong I think but I prefer it this way.

"On this path was one more person", without comma and not "in". Otherwise you'd have to replace "path" (I'm sure the first Harry Potter books contain a lot of library references but I'm too lazy to go look for appropriate words right now).

Typo: "and searched further". I would replace this by "and continued my search for".

"The guy with the baseball cap". No hyphen between baseball and cap (multiple times). I would refer to her as a male person, as Artemis doesn't know yet she isn't, and it would make your story more beautiful than just refering to "the person".

"We both pulled at the book". Also, 2 sentences with "the book" right next to each other, I would try and leave out the reference in either one of them. "Trying to steal from" would work, as well as "we both pulled at it".

"She asked begged" -> She begged.

Sorry if it seems I'm tearing your text completely apart, the story has potential and it was a nice read as it is, just my 2 cents to improve it.

Kind regards,
Silk.

Thank you both!