Can I change your mind?

[RobinChelseaa]

Eerste gedeelte van mijn verhaal Can I change your mind?
Als jullie het leuk vinden en door willen lezen, plaats ik nog een stukje (:

Tips zijn welkom!

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‘Sam stop!’
‘Dude, what are you doing!’
‘Leave her the fuck alone!’
They were all screaming at him from outside the door, but no one actually came closer. None of his three best friends dared to come any closer to stop him from what he was doing. They were afraid for him. Afraid of what happened to that poor girl would eventually happen to them.
Brian tried to look away, but his eyes were fixed on Sam’s knuckle that was covered in dark red blood, dripping along his wrist all the way down to his elbow. It was horrible to see, but Brian couldn’t look away as Sam punched the girl again and again and again, leaving blood spatters all over the kitchen cabinet behind her. In someway it fascinated him. It was the kind of red he craved to use in one of his paintings. The kind of red that any artist dreams about. Oh how beautiful it would look on his new canvas, he thought. How he wanted to dip his finger in the thick substance and see it dripping on the white surface. Preferably in slow-motion. He quickly shook his head in disgust of his own fantasies and forced himself to look away.
Andrew held his thumb right above the calling button on his cellphone. He was planning to call 911 at least 3 minutes ago, but he couldn’t make himself press the button. Sam was his friend, how could he betray him like that? He was sure the girl wasn’t conscious anymore, she had stopped screaming and there was blood everywhere. Was she dead? Anxiety started to fill his mind as the question kept repeating itself in his head. What if she was? He asked himself. Sam would be a murderer. Did he wanted to be friends with a murderer? Hell, did he even want to be in the same house as a murderer? For god sake what was he still doing there, he thought.
‘I have to leave, i have to leave,’ he muttered to himself while brushing his hand through his hair in despair. Just when he turned around, he felt an ice cold hand grabbing his shoulder.
‘Don’t you even dare,’ He heard Lucca’s voice next to him.
Lucca snatched the phone out of Andrew’s trembling hand and threw it all the way down the corridor.
‘We’re going to deal with this ourselves,’ Lucca whispered quietly but threatening, ‘like we always do.’
Lucca had been watching the whole thing before Brian and Andrew even showed up. How it started, how it escalated into something terrible and eventually, when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, how the whole situation aggravated. And the only thing he would let out was a simple sigh. A weary sigh. An oh-no-not-this-again-sigh. Because no matter how many times they went over it with Sam, it would always come to this. Although it never included a dead body. Was she dead? Lucca asked himself for a moment while he saw the pool of blood almost reaching his shoes. He took a step back and a little smile formed on his lips. Of course she was.

[Faatje]

Wow, freaky!

En zijn gedachtes zijn helemaal creepy, maar wel heel erg interessant.

Ga verder, je hebt er een lezer bij

[RobinChelseaa]

Andrew tried shaking Lucca’s hand off and when he finally let go, he rushed himself to the corridor, picked up his cellphone from the ground and made a quick escape to the front door.
‘That fucker...’ Lucca hissed between his teeth. Andrew left the door wide open and Lucca could see the darkness of the night gazing at him relentlessly, almost engulfing him and he closed his eyes out of irritation. He had no choice than to close that goddamn door as he heard the loud rainfall outside interrupting his chain of thoughts.
While Lucca walked away from the door opening Brian still stood there. Completely frozen. Hypnotised by the whole scene that was playing in front of him. When he realised he was the only one standing there and Sam finally stopped hitting the girl, he woke up out of his trance and cringed when Sam abruptly turned around.
‘What are you looking at?’ He said angrily. ‘Afraid of a little blood?’ A teasing smile played across his lips. Brian just stood there, frozen again and he swallowed so hard that even Sam could hear it.
Well aware of his friends strange obsession he came closer, hands still covered in dark red blood. When he stood in front of him he laid his thumb under his friends chin, leaving a red mark and pointed his face towards the girl.
‘Go have some fun with her.’ He said with the same disturbing smile on his face. Then he let go of Brian and walked pass him into the hallway.
Brian’s mind was spinning as he looked to the assumingly dead body of the girl. Well he wasn’t really looking to the body that laid on the floor, but more to the pool of blood that surrounded her. He couldn’t think straight and he was about to lose his self-control when he heard Lucca yelling to Sam in the hallway. Awoken from his little trance he walked out of the kitchen to peek into the corridor. Brian was surprised seeing Lucca yelling so loud. Lucca never had lost his nerve like that before, he was cursing and swearing and Sam turned redder at every word Lucca spit out in his face. Brian already knew what would happen if Lucca would continue like this. Sam would get angry and probably hit him unconscious. It never happened before between any of them, but Sam wasn’t afraid to let them know it could happen. Not as if he would go easy on them because they were friends. Whoever made Sam angry should pay the full price for it, no matter who he (or she) is.
‘Do you have any idea what you just did?’ Lucca yelled angry to him. ‘Think about the goddamn consequences for once, Sam!’ He was yelling so loud Sam took a few steps back.
‘I didn’t mean for this to happen,’ Sam began quietly while reaching for Lucca’s shoulder.
‘Don’t you fucking touch me! Look around you, there is blood all over the place. How are you planning to clean that up, Sam?’
Sam hated the way Lucca said his name. Almost with disgust he pronounced the simple three letter word. As if talking about rubbish.
‘Stop it,’ Sam said softly with a tone of irritation in his voice.
‘What do you mean stop it? There is blood everywhere! Look at-‘ Began Lucca, but Sam interrupted him.
‘Blood everywhere,’ he said shocked. ‘Where is Brian?’

[Faatje]

Vraagje:

Heb je dit verhaal bewust in het Engels geschreven of zit er een reden achter

Groetjes!

[RobinChelseaa]

Ik vind engels in het algemeen mooier klinken dan nederlands (:
De woorden vloeien zeg maar mooi, haha ( ik weet even niet hoe ik het anders moet zeggen ).

Vooral omdat ik het gevoel heb mezelf beter te kunnen uitdrukken in het engels. Er zijn bijvoorbeeld veel meer woorden voor bepaalde gevoelens of dingen in het engels dan dat er zijn in het nederlands.

Bovendien zeggen ze dat engels de mooiste taal is om in te schrijven, net zoals italiaans de mooiste taal is om in te zingen.

[Faatje]

Oke, duidelijk haha.

Ja ik lees ook veel liever Engelstalige boeken en als ik een film kijk doe ik ook de ondertiteling in het Engels..

[strawberrybunny]

Ik vind het verhaal heel spannend, ik vraag me af wat ze allemaal gedaan hebben.
Je hebt er een lezer bij

[RobinChelseaa]

They both looked to each other in silence for a moment before turning around to the kitchen. Brian, who had stood there in the beginning of their argument, was now gone. Or at least, not in the door entrance anymore. Sam rushed himself towards the kitchen and saw Brian standing right before the girl with his hands behind his back. A disturbing smile covered his face.
‘What happened? You look like the fucking Cheshire cat with that creepy smile, dude.’
‘I can’t help it, I’m just so happy.’ Brian said, the devilish smile never leaving his face.
‘What are you so happy about? There’s a fucking dead body in here!’ Lucca jumped into the conversation while putting his hand on his head. They had never seen Lucca so desperate before.
‘Don’t worry, I took care of that like Sam asked me to do.’ Brian said calmly. Sam shivered. He looked so demonic. His eyes stood dead and the smile was only growing wider with every word he said.
‘I was Joking, Brian! What the heck did you do with her?’
‘I just cleaned her up, don’t worry,’
Lucca walked towards Brian to push him aside. The pool of blood was gone and the girl seemed completely cleaned. The kitchen cabinets and walls were cleaner than before and the whole place smelled soapy.
‘You actually did clean her,’ Lucca said slowly while using his foot to turn the girls shoulder around. She was now laying on her back and he noticed how all her clothes were gone except her undergarments. He wanted to ask what Brian did with her clothes, but when he turned around he saw him holding on to it tight behind his back. It was completely soaked with her blood.
‘Why do you have her clo-‘
‘Can i keep it?’ Brian asked immediately while turning around to face him. Lucca shook his head.
‘That, right there, is evidence, my friend. You don’t get to keep it, understand?’ He sounded as if he had been through a situation like this many times before. ‘If they find it at your place you’re fucked.’ Brian sighed loudly.
‘I never get to take a souvenir,’ He murmured softly while dropping the bundle of clothes like a kid who had been denied to get his favorite toy.
Lucca took a step back and looked all around. No blood, no sign of violence and hopefully no fingerprints. Just a dead body.

[savrom]

Ik zal er nog even wat foutjes uit halen heb nu niet zoveel tijd maar vanavond zal ik even goed kijken! Ik bedenk heel veel dingen ook meestal in het Engels en dan terug vertalen naar Nederlands klinkt soms zo kinderachtig haha

They were afraid for him.

Being afraid of something or someone.

Brian tried looking away

Wel correct maar hier zo to look beter staan.

It was horrible to see, but he couldn’t look away as he punched her again and again and again,

Eerste hè kan beter Brian zijn. En de tweede hè beter Sam en her misschien ook beter the girl.

For god sake what is he still doing here, he thought.

Het is of: For God sake what was he still doing here. Of:For God sake what am I still doing here, he thought.

aggravated

Je gebruikt eerst escalated als in escaleren en dan aggravated als in verergeren. Maar ik heb het idee dat ze omgedraaid moeten worden.

[savrom]

In de andere delen staan ook nog wat kleine dingen. Zal ik die ook even quoten?

[RobinChelseaa]

Ja, graag! Dan kan ik die gelijk even verbeteren...

Haha ik zie dat ik al aardig wat foutjes maak,
dus bedankt! (:

[savrom]

Eindelijk aan toe gekomen . Heb misschien nog wel wat dingen gemist, maar dit viel mij het meeste op. Hopelijk kan je er wat mee.

He had no choice than to close that goddamn door as he heard the loud rainfall outside interrupting his chain of thoughts.

Suggestie: He had no other choice than to close the door as the loud rainfall outside interrupted his chain of thoughts.
En misschien nog een zin ervoor als: He wanted to go after Andrew and make sure he did not call the police, but he had more important things to worry about now.

While Lucca walked away from the door opening Brian still stood there. Completely frozen. Hypnotised by the whole scene that was playing in front of him.

Ik zou opening weg halen en de punt tussen there en completely veranderen in een komma. En hypnotized is met een z.

When he realised he was the only one standing there and Sam finally stopped hitting the girl, he woke up out of his trance and cringed when Sam abruptly turned around.

Hetzelfde geldt voor realized . Ik zou de eerste he veranderen in Brian en ik zou zeggen: still standing there.

Brian just stood there, frozen again and he swallowed so hard that even Sam could hear it.

Misschien een beetje raar als je net beschreven hebt dat hij wakker werd. Je kan ook zeggen bijvoorbeeld: Brian felt nauseous as Sam’s smile faded and stone cold eyes gazed at him. He swallowed hard and was convinced even Sam had heard it.

Well aware of his friends strange obsession he came closer, hands still covered in dark red blood. When he stood in front of him he laid his thumb under his friends chin, leaving a red mark and pointed his face towards the girl.

Het is hier niet helemaal duidelijk wie wat doet. Suggestie: Brian was well aware of Sam’s strange obsession and as he came closer blood dripped from his fingers, which were still covered in dark red blood. When Sam stood in front of him, he laid a thumb under Brian’ chin and pointed his face towards the girl, leaving a red mark.

Brian’s mind was spinning as he looked to the assumingly dead body of the girl.

Gewoon dead girl of lifeless body.

Well he wasn’t really looking to the body that laid on the floor, but more to the pool of blood that surrounded her.

Looking at something/someone. (Dus de 2x to moet 2x at worden)
En ik zou de Well weglaten.

Awoken from his little trance he walked out of the kitchen to peek into the corridor.

Hij is zo vaak in trance

Brian was surprised seeing Lucca yelling so loud.

To see zou het moeten zijn, maar een schreeuw hoor je . Dus dan is het to hear.

Lucca never had lost his nerve like that before, he was cursing and swearing and Sam turned redder at every word Lucca spit out in his face.

Suggestie:Lucca had never lost his nerve like that before; he was cursing and swearing and little drops of saliva landed on Sam’s face. Brian looked at his friends and could see Sam turn more red with every word Lucca spat out in this face.

Not as if he would go easy on them because they were friends. Whoever made Sam angry should pay the full price for it, no matter who he (or she) is.

Suggestie: He would always remind them he wouldn’t go easy on them just because they were friends. It scared Brian sometimes; knowing that whoever made Sam angry would pay the full price, no matter who he or she was.

‘Do you have any idea what you just did?’ Lucca yelled angry to him.

Lucca yelled angrily.

‘Don’t you fucking touch me! Look around you, there is blood all over the place. How are you planning to clean that up, Sam?’

Gewoon Look around
En suggestive: How are you planning on cleaning that up ,Sam?

‘Blood everywhere,’ he said shocked. ‘Where is Brian?’

Wie is er nou eigenlijk geschifter haha

They both looked to each other in silence for a moment before turning around to the kitchen.

Looked at…..

Brian, who had stood there in the beginning of their argument, was now gone. Or at least, not in the door entrance anymore.

Suggestie: Brian, who had stood there in the beginning of their argument, had left the corridor.

‘What happened? You look like the fucking Cheshire cat with that creepy smile, dude.’

Ik zou de dude weglaten.

‘What are you so happy about? There’s a fucking dead body in here!’ Lucca jumped into the conversation while putting his hand on his head. They had never seen Lucca so desperate before.

Dead girl

‘Don’t worry, I took care of that like Sam asked me to do.’ Brian said calmly. Sam shivered. He looked so demonic. His eyes stood dead and the smile was only growing wider with every word he said.

Brian looked so demonic.
En ik weet niet of ogen dood kunnen staan, zeg maar.

Lucca walked towards Brian to push him aside.

Suggestie: and pushed him aside.

‘You actually did clean her,’

Suggestie: You actually cleaned her

He wanted to ask what Brian did with her clothes, but when he turned around he saw him holding on to it tight behind his back. It was completely soaked with her blood.

Tightly.

‘I never get to take a souvenir,’ He murmured softly while dropping the bundle of clothes like a kid who had been denied to get his favorite toy.

Oke XD dus hij doet dit vaker! Creepy fuck! Haha. En favourite is met ou.

Just a dead body.

Suggestie: Just a dead girl with no clothes on. A smile curled around his lips. No one would know.