Hanging from a swaying rope, i see the light.
not a glimmer of hope,
but the flashes of my life pass before my eyes.
They send angels of mercy to my side,
saying "Do not fear just open your eyes."
I wake up, panicing, brow slick with sweat,
I had another dream last night.
it horrified me, but showed me the error of my ways,
the debts I owe, the people i've hurt, the depression,
well not anymore.
Hey, it IS summer after all.
My lonely summer day
Ik vind het begin erg mooi. Het spreekt angst uit.
Hey, it is
summer after all
Maar dat komt misschien omdat dat meer mijn eigen schrijfstijl is.
Ik denk dat je het gedicht nog langer had kunnen maken, de angst meer uit had kunnen werken en er een ander eind had kunnen maken, en dat had dan een wat sterker gedicht geweest zou zijn.
Oh, en nog één ding: ik zie dat dit je eerste post is en dat je nieuw bent, dus wil je je even voorstellen in het voorstel topic? =)
Ik zie dat je het in het rest van het gedicht wel gedaan hebt, misschien is dit gewoon een typfout, maar 'I' moet altijd met een hoofdletter in het Engels.streetbackguy schreef:Hanging from a swaying rope, i see the light.
Ik denk dat je hiermee de nadruk op 'is' wil leggen, maar naar mijn mening ziet het er nogal raar uit. Je kunt ook proberen er nadruk op te leggen door het bijvoorbeeld zo te doen:streetbackguy schreef:Hey, it IS summer after all.
Hey, it is
summer after all
Maar dat komt misschien omdat dat meer mijn eigen schrijfstijl is.
Ik denk dat je het gedicht nog langer had kunnen maken, de angst meer uit had kunnen werken en er een ander eind had kunnen maken, en dat had dan een wat sterker gedicht geweest zou zijn.
Oh, en nog één ding: ik zie dat dit je eerste post is en dat je nieuw bent, dus wil je je even voorstellen in het voorstel topic? =)
"It's the regular days, the ones that start out normal, those are the days, that end of being the biggest, and today, with you, it was beautiful." – Grey’s anatomy
-
Patrick
- Beheerder
- Berichten: 1902
- Lid geworden op: 05 feb 2008 18:39
- Locatie: Zuid-Limburg
- Contacteer:
Laura, hij is van Engeland dus hij spreekt geen woord Nederlands :p
Here is a translation:
I think the beginning is very beautiful. It cries out fear.
Hey, it is
summer after all
But that's maybe because it's my writing style.
I think you could have made your poem even longer, you could have written more about the fear and you could have written another end, then it would have been a much stronger poem.
(Last thing was about introducing yourself, but you already did that)
Here is a translation:
I think the beginning is very beautiful. It cries out fear.
I see you didn't do it in the rest of your poem, but in English I is with capital letter. (You know that, because you're English :p)streetbackguy schreef:Hanging from a swaying rope, i see the light.
I think you wanted you put an accent on "is", but after my opinion it looks kind of weird. You can try to do it this way:streetbackguy schreef:Hey, it IS summer after all.
Hey, it is
summer after all
But that's maybe because it's my writing style.
I think you could have made your poem even longer, you could have written more about the fear and you could have written another end, then it would have been a much stronger poem.
(Last thing was about introducing yourself, but you already did that)
Why are you so frightened? Have you no faith?
-
streetbackguy
- Puntenslijper
- Berichten: 10
- Lid geworden op: 21 jan 2010 00:06
Thanks for that Laura and pbrouwers, I'll try and improve next time.pbrouwers schreef:Translation
Haha sorry, I didn't know you were from England because you hadn't introduced yourself yet. I see you like poetry, so I guess you'll be here a lot. In that case you'll read a lot of me. I hope you'll understand because I'm not really good in English. Welcome!
"It's the regular days, the ones that start out normal, those are the days, that end of being the biggest, and today, with you, it was beautiful." – Grey’s anatomy
After a second reading of this poem it struck me: it isn't really poetry. It is like a story that is beeing ripped apart and then thrown back in a different order. When I would take the lines and place them next to each other a normal story would appear. You are cheating, young grashopper.
Still, there is a certain vocal melody in this piece. When read out loud it gets a kind of charm that I would not suspect was there when I read it the first time on merciless paper. Or screen, as a matter a fact.
My advice to you: work on your rhythm en rhyme to improve the flow of the poem and perhaps you will master the true art of peotry one day. It is still true what they say about practice. It does make... wel... somewhat like perfect, I'd say.
Ps. I was thinking about giving you a hard time for beeing Brittish, but I suppose it's not your fault the Irish and Britains don't get allong. So, here it is, from me to you, a peacefull handshake between our nations.
May your poetry lighten up my day and all that.
Still, there is a certain vocal melody in this piece. When read out loud it gets a kind of charm that I would not suspect was there when I read it the first time on merciless paper. Or screen, as a matter a fact.
My advice to you: work on your rhythm en rhyme to improve the flow of the poem and perhaps you will master the true art of peotry one day. It is still true what they say about practice. It does make... wel... somewhat like perfect, I'd say.
Ps. I was thinking about giving you a hard time for beeing Brittish, but I suppose it's not your fault the Irish and Britains don't get allong. So, here it is, from me to you, a peacefull handshake between our nations.
May your poetry lighten up my day and all that.