Story of the Damned

Durf jij hier te overnachten? Griezel- en horrorverhalen zullen verteld worden bij het vallen van de nacht.
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YellowPepper
Puntenslijper
Puntenslijper
Berichten: 13
Lid geworden op: 29 dec 2011 03:43

Ha! Ik ben nog geen dag lid of ik schrijf al meteen 2 verhalen! Ik heb op eens zoveel inspiratie, dat ik gewoon nog wat erbij moet schrijven. Dit keer eens een lekker horror verhaal, waar ik echt enorm zin in heb. Fantasy is meer mijn ding, maar goed. Helaas word dit wel een Engels verhaal, aangezien ik daar meer vertrouwen in heb. Het is wel erg duister geschreven, maar goed. Stukjes blijven kort, anders zijn de teksten zo groot. Ik vraag me af of jullie weten wie het verhaal vertelt :3 Ik ga lekker griezelen en hoop dat jullie horroren :3
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Humans believe that everything is possible in this world. I know that for them, it's not. Fortunately, this isn't the case for me. I can do everything I desire and that makes me happy. For quite some while, I have battled the one thing you should be afraid of; god. He's no man nor woman. He's not a being at all. I can tell you, that he is a pure ray of light. Not touchable or gettable, only there. I'm beginning to see that I almost sound like I'm reading a poem. Well, let me tell you something. Maybe I am the one being who can be evil and charming at the same time. Of course, that's only the the matter of my existence. But enough about me, as I want to tell you a little story. Believe me, it's not long at all. It will be hard to believe, but I was a child born and raised on this world. Not many know of this, as I was considered a fallen one. While it is of no importance to you, I can tell you it should be. I am seen as a sign of pain. They say I created the seven sins that rule the humankind. I've had enough of this and I want revenge. Now I sound like the typical me, of course. But I should remind you, that I became like this for a reason.

It all began with the creation of Earth. The one being wanted to create light, but if there is light, darkness should exist. He thought to much of his power and knew what he did by shining his light upon Earth. He knew that I would be born and a cycle with it. Because of his light, I was born to a female mortal. It is hard to think about it for me as I lived for aeons. If I remember correctly, she had a pleasant colour of hair; red. Her beautiful white skin and deep dark eyes could silence me even now. The darkness and warmth of the womb pleased me. I came into existence because of that loving place. I could listen on and on as I heard screaming. Yes, I could hear everything inside there. While that is quite a wonder, it didn't matter. You see, mother wasn't the kindest person to others. Her name is of no importance but her story is. My mother was a murderer and a good one too. Of course, every mortal was at that point in the existence. Humankind had to survive for so long. The one thing I enjoyed the most was a red light. She would lie in the sun every week or so, blood covering her belly; the love. I was important and deserved that blood. Want to know the best moment of my life? It was my birth. She had slain my joke of a father and covered me in his holy water. It was a sign of power, strength and courage. My father deserved it for being weak. On second thought, I can't blame him really. My mother was just to strong. I grew up as a happy being. Took my own flesh and blood to eat and survive; she tutored me well. That, and I was a good student. Fortunately for you, I won't bother you with my whole life-story. I may tell you more later, but I want to get closer to the point right now. Can you wait for a second? I think I hear some idiot complaining about his new accommodation.
JodieJJ
Ex-staflid
Ex-staflid
Berichten: 4626
Lid geworden op: 15 jun 2010 11:19
Locatie: V.huuzee!!!

Ergens vind ik het jammer dat het in het engels geschreven is. Natuurlijk wel een taal die een groot publiek bereikt. Dus als je er in kan schrijven moet je het zeker doen! maar ik vind het verhaal echt heel interessant, het klinkt goed. Wekt wel een hoop vragen op.

Mijn grootste gaten zijn nu, wat de hoofdpersoon is, en hoe de aarde eruit ziet en heo het leven er is.
Het leest op zich goed weg, alleen houden engelse verhalen mijn aandacht er minder bij omdat ik niet alle woorden ken, en niet precies weet hoe de zinsopbouw loopt.
Ik weet nog niet zeker of ik het verhaal helemaal ga volgen, maar er zit zeker potentie in :). Maar vanwege het engels en ( wat ik verwacht aan niveau van het verhaal ) denk ik dat ik stukjes mis, kleine details xD.
Regenboog of regenboog, waarom ben je krom?
Anders heette je regenstreep en dat klinkt zo stom
YellowPepper
Puntenslijper
Puntenslijper
Berichten: 13
Lid geworden op: 29 dec 2011 03:43

JodieJJ, ik word heel blij met je reactie :D

Engels is inderdaad lastig als je het niet helemaal begrijpt, misschien dat ik later een Nederlandse Versie schrijf voor de wat jongere leden van het forum. Toch blijf ik voor nu in het Engels schrijven. Ik denk persoonlijk dat Engels veel mooier is op het gebied van vertellen. Vooral in zo'n verhaal als dit. Misschien helpt dit, maar ik heb geprobeerd het in een medieval style te schrijven. Ook niet helemaal, aangezien de manier waarop de verteller schrijft meer.. vertelt over hem!

Ik hoop dat je toch nog door blijft lezen, waarom zou ik alle details meteen geven? Mysterie :3
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Finally done with that annoying idiotic mortal. Did you have to wait for long? I took care of businesses as quickly as I could. Where was I? Ahh, never mind that. My life was long as I journeyed around the world, desperately surviving all kinds of situations. You have to understand that Life was so different at the time,nothing like it is now. While you hear my story, you could order some delicious food to eat. When I was roaming the Earth, I had to kill everything I could find; humans. Indeed, no animals existed at the time, nature was still creating them. I had eaten brains and bloody flesh, which also created the story of zombies. Indeed, I was the cause of all the basic horror stories you heard as a child. I find it humour, as they are nothing but a joke. But, the earth wasn't ready for such delicate beings, as there wasn't enough water as both species could share. The temperature in those times were equal to the heats of the Volcano's now.
Unfortunately, even a wonder such as I had to die at least once. The claws of another human ripped my flesh apart. Eating my guts and brains, surviving like all the others. I reached the age of twenty-eight as a mortal on Earth.
Now I'm going to tell you the origin of religion, it's a great side-story that can be told. It would make you understand the whole concept of my being. Indeed, wouldn't it be boring without the best details? Let me tell you, there is life after death. You may call me crazy just because I despise something as the holy light from above, but I can assure you that I'm telling the true story. God created light, which in turn created life. This gave birth to water, fire, wind and earth. Earth has always been the most basic element since existence and I am sure it will stay like that. He claims to have created all living things, being our father and mortals being his sons. It wasn't him, but nature that created us. He can be seen as our grandfather in a way, but that is really all that had happened. Unfortunately, I cannot say that all stories of him are untrue. Because we thought of him as our father, he had the perfect opportunity to create something more. With the power of light, he created something beyond imagination. I was one of the first he called upon him. I nor any other mortal ever knew of such a powerful force. We were offered to guard. He said we would guard the mortals on Earth and we believed it. Why not? We were made immortal and given abilities beyond any kind of power that a mere mortal could carry. Hell, he gave us wings. Mortals have always dreamt of being able to fly freely without a worry. It has been our vision since we can remember and because of that we wanted it. It wasn't obtainable as a member of the humankind. The strongest were asked to become what you call Angels. The strongest accepted with honour. We saw it as the ultimate honour to be granted such a power. It is indeed true that humans have always searching for power. As such, greed was created. As you by now can clearly see, I never created such a sin. It was the nature of the humankind that created the sin.
JodieJJ
Ex-staflid
Ex-staflid
Berichten: 4626
Lid geworden op: 15 jun 2010 11:19
Locatie: V.huuzee!!!

ik blijf nog wel even volgen :P.
Ik lees nog best wel vee engels alleen mis ik soms wat details waar ik in het nederlands altijd sterk op gefocust ben.
IK ben ook nogal wisselend in wat ik mooi vind om in te schrijven.
Conversaties bedenk ik in mijn hoofd altijd eerst in het engels. xD en dan zet ik ze om in nederlands. In het engels kun je personen gewoon veel leukere gesprekken laten leiden, maar in het nederlands vind ik omschrijvingen weer mooier.
Ik vind dit vertellende vaak ook in het engels wel mooier, nederlands kan snel eentonig erin worden. Ik ben wel nieuwsgierig of je ook nog scenes gaat schrijven. Voor een inleiding vind ik dit wel heel mooi, alleen ik denk dat als we het verhaal echt willen gaan begrijpen scenes weer leuker worden :).
ghehe :P. Dus ik hoop dat het nu de inleiding op deze manier is :) en het daarna overgaat naar scenes :P
Surprise me :P hehe xD
Regenboog of regenboog, waarom ben je krom?
Anders heette je regenstreep en dat klinkt zo stom
YellowPepper
Puntenslijper
Puntenslijper
Berichten: 13
Lid geworden op: 29 dec 2011 03:43

Het is inderdaad fijn om dit in het Engels te schrijven. Ik kan veel meer emotie in het verhaal leggen en voorkomen dat het ééntonig word. De verteller mag dan misschien emotieloos lijken, elk woord wat hij opzegt is wel degelijk gevult met een betekenis. That's the point of the whole story.

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I could tell you more and more as I am now. My throne sits very comfortably, but one fact will remain the same; I cannot leave this place. The depths of Earth have been my home for so long. The best thing I could do right now is to give you a vision. Not the kind that tells you the future, but the past. I will take to back in time and let you see the true nature of everything. God liked to name everyone of his dogs. I was also given one when I got my wings. That day changed my destiny more then anyone could imagine.

"Luci, hurry up!" My name wasn't the coolest one but it worked. Torko was another Angel and my senior. Many of you thing I was the first. Guess again. "Move those wings, we need to go now!" He had blond hair and perfect blue eyes; the perfect Angel.
"I'm done, let's go." If I remember correctly, I was eating some meat. I always took my time for dinner as it was my favourite moment of the day. Of course, it also annoyed the others. Heaven is said to be beautiful and paradise itself. It was indeed very light up there, but it wasn't any different of what we call hell. Enemies of God himself were tortured as if it was some kind of show. Sure, I loved their performance like Torko, Sandra and God. We flew down in a ray of light while we studied the situation.
"Seems like the tribes are having a war." Torko had a strong voice filled with power. He thought we were justice, we couldn't do anything wrong; ever. I couldn't respond to him as he had already launched himself from me. At the time, I found some bread in my pocket so I decided to let him handle everything while I eat my food. Both parties that fought in the war just stared at the figure who landed in-between them. But humankind didn't really know about us so they acted like morons. Torko just stood there while they charged him. I will never forget the moment he made his move. He avoided the first human with an agile side-step to the left. His hand was quick. The being didn't feel nor see anything but his heart was long gone. The muscle was ripped open by Torko's teeth. Blood shimmering as it past down those white blinkers. I was kind of jealous, he had meat; I had bread. The humans were shocked but continued their charge. With a subtle wind in his back, the Angel made his final move. He ran at terrifying speed past one of the pitiful armies, slashing throats and taking limbs for his own. Heads rolled on the ground with fearful expressions upon their little faces. Some of the humans saw darkness before they knew it. Blood leaving their eye sockets but no eyes in them. I think it took him one minutes to eliminate an army of ten-thousand. His face will always be something I will never forget. Big eyes looking down upon his hands, holding all kind of meat to eat. His smile was filling his face, from ear till ear. Well, we cannot be all as sane as me.
Gebruikersavatar
Artemiss
Tipp-Ex team
Tipp-Ex team
Berichten: 890
Lid geworden op: 01 jul 2008 14:29
Locatie: Ergens in de Randstad

Het Tipp-ex Team komt dan toch nog eindelijk iets melden.
Ik heb toch maar besloten mijn feedback in het Nederlands te doen.
Ik heb weinig spelfouten in je Engels kunnen vinden. Ook grammaticaal zijn de zinnen op zich wel in orde, behalve dan dat je af en toe heel goed kunt zien dat dit niet door een zogeheten 'native speaker' is geschreven. Zo wordt het woord 'wonder' maar heel weinig in de betekenis van het Nederlandse woord 'wonder' gebruikt. Het woord 'miracle' is gebruikelijker. Daar komt ons woord 'mirakel' dan weer vandaan.
Op een gegeven moment schrijf je ook: 'His face will always be something I will never forget." Op zich niet fout, maar een Engelsman zou het denk ik nooit zo zeggen. Die zou gewoon zeggen: "I will never forget his face." In het Nederlands zou het al iets beter klinken: "Zijn gezicht is iets, wat ik nooit zal vergeten." Alleen vind ik dat "Zijn gezicht zal ik nooit vergeten," ook al beter klinkt. Het fijne van het Nederlands is dat je het lijdend voorwerp gewoon zonder problemen aan het begin van de zin kunt zetten.
Dat zie ik wel vaker gebeuren bij jou. Je formuleert (waarschijnlijk hoor, zeg het me als ik me vergis) de zin eerst in het Nederlands en dan ga je het vertalen naar het Engels. Dat worden dan Engelse zinnen met een Nederlandse volgorde.

Inhoudelijk vind ik je verhaal niet slecht. Het is nu nog een beetje vaag, maar dat ga je later vast en zeker wel ophelderen. De grootste vraag die ik heb op dit moment is wat de hoofdpersoon nu eigenlijk is. Is hij/zij menselijk? Slecht is hij/zij in ieder geval. Een gevallen engel misschien? Ook vind ik dat je heel veel wisselt in de stemming. In de ene zin is het nog heel zwaar op de hand, in de volgende ben je weer heel luchtig. Vooral de luchtige zinnen lijken niet helemaal op hun plek.
Mijn laatste advies is om in het Nederlands verder te gaan of misschien zelfs wel opnieuw te beginnen in het Nederlands, omdat ik denk dat je dat veel beter kunt. Je hebt ook meer mogelijkheden, omdat het je moedertaal is.

Succes ermee!
Alles draait om jou en mij en wij, we draaien overal omheen...

-Herman van Veen
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